Today was a day. I don't know. I'm not feeling well at all. I'm just so drained out and tired of everything. I have to catch up in the finals grading period. I didn't do that well in the prelims. I hate it. I'm not even sure if I'll go sing tomorrow. Everything seems to fall out of place. I'm not enjoying life anymore. I hate my mother and that leads to disliking being with my family. I just don't like doing stuff that they want to do. ALL THE TIME. I know my mom is old but hell... Does it have to be like that ALL THE TIME...? Di siya marunong magparaya eh.. lalo na kung birthday ng tao. Selfish. yun lang masasabi ko.. ayaw ko na rin... pagod na ako.. she can treat me as a non-existent creature rather than a slave. Yun lang. I'm tired. I think I'm sick now. I visited Cla awhile ago and honestly, nawawala na talaga ang feeling. We're just friends now. And I guess it's high time to move on. I just hope it's clear that the gesture awhile ago is just pure friendliness and that she and her parents would not give it another meaning. Nakakahiya lang na pinakain pa ako ng mom niya.. and nameet ko pa dad niya.. super nahihiya parin ako.. how would that be? Nanliligaw dati sa anak nila, ngayon hindi na? haha do they know na hindi na? well. Ok naman kami ni cla eh so I suppose walang problem.. I got home at about 7 I think. Super pagod na ako and ang sakit pa ng ulo ko. Tomorrow, I'm not even sure if I'm going to audition. I don't have a piece yet. I hate my grades... They're not high enough. I really didn't do so well. I got news from psych, I got 66/80. fair enough. But in the quiz, I got 26/ 40 I think and that's SO LOW. Same goes with chem lab.. damn.. 54/80? how bad can it get? SHIT! I have to work my ass off talaga. I feel that I'm becoming incompetent and I suck. In chem Lab, I think sobrang pabigat ako sa mga kagroup ko... I finish last, I can't complete my tasks to the fullest. I'm always drained. I wish I was someone else living another life sometimes... You know? I mean... Well it's pretty different to be in a class with Royce.. ewan ko.. sobra akong inferior as compared to him.. He's practically got everything. Well at least natataas niya ang bandera ng SJCS. Anyways, I'll do my part na rin. Nakakahiya naman... Now, I'll study philosophy... pamawi sa quiz na hindi gaanong kataasan. I'm tired, I'm poofed... I'll be dead. Ewan.

Just My Thoughts... and some flashes from the past...
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I hate my birthdays... It's always a mess and there's always something wrong. I just wish that there will be a day that everything would be fine. I can't believe how bad it went today.. I'm sleeping at once! I'll end it that way.. instead of waiting til midnight. Someone, kill me!

Just My Thoughts... and some flashes from the past...
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The constant feeling of loneliness and being misunderstood is once again returning to me. I'm at the state of my paranoia once again... or am I? I can't dare say what I am in. But in my psychological analysis, I think I'm partially paranoid and partially to quick to realize the truth. It's just so difficult to live without anyone truly understanding what they're going through. Many people do try to offer their help. But it's just not the same. That's all that I can say. I've made my efforts to help people, I try my best. But if I'm not the person meant to help him/her, then I can't. That's as simple as that. and I guess that applies to me. I guess they do try.. or I would like to think so. But no one knows me better than some and they are the only ones that can handle me well....

Just My Thoughts... and some flashes from the past...
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Without my best friend, it's just different.

Just My Thoughts... and some flashes from the past...
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There is a difference between letting go and moving on. I believe that one depends on the fulfillment of the other but at times, people would skip the process, only to realize that they sped things up and messed their lives.

When you let go, you come to terms with what has happened and you're ready to accept it; know for a fact that it's over and there is nothing more that you can do about it; or just believe that you have done everything in your will to alter the situation but apparently, the forces around you did otherwise.

Moving on involves letting go and living your life as normal as you can. There may be pains and scars of the past, but then again, you're willing to deal with it and live as hapilly as you can. Well, that's the thought.

In my case, I don't know. I think I never was willing to let go.. I just wanted to move on. Yet I'm partially doing it without me knowing. It's insane when you are in the midst of indecision. I quote my favorite line about moving on and letting go: "If pain must come, then let it come now for I have a life to live. Waiting is painful. Letting go is painful. But now knowing what to do is the worst kind of pain ever." - By the River Piedra, I Sat Down and Wept. Perhaps the reason why a person can't let go or move on is because of the uncertainty. Fact of the matter is that love NEEDS interaction and the involvement of two people. Regardless of the relationship they choose to have, love should be shared that way. And I suppose that was the reason why it was so hard for me to let go and move on... One thing is for certain, that if I have the choice, I would love for her to be part of my life in such a way that I longed for. That's the first. I can't say that I can't live without her cause I existed years before she ever came to my life. But I choose not to simply because I love her and want to grow old with her... But sometimes, things like that could be accepted and the heart knows how to heal and love another. The main problem is being held in the midst of hanging. I cannot decide my fate without knowing what to face or not having hope to live by. For quite a long period of time, I decided to fool myself and hope for the best. Or just hope for a good outcome. But to my dismay, I learned that it wouldn't be the case. That's just it I suppose. It's the fact that at times we feed our own fantasies. And I guess I did. My instincts told me to do what my friends have been telling me. But I just can't. Cause she never really said no. And that's what kept me hoping - no sign of negation...

It's been almost 4 years since I realized that I've fell in love after having a bad past relationship. I can't say it was ever a good thing. But I tried to learn from the past. I just hope that I don't become too smart that I dare not get hurt anymore. But I can't promise that. I know that it would be my nature to avoid what's bringing pain to me. I wish to move on........ But first I have to let go... I just hope that it's not something I'll regret.. and I know I've been doing that gradually. When I text her now, the feeling is almost gone and I'm actually happy. I just hope that she doesn't change her mind.. cause if she does... that would lead me to ... Confusion...

Just My Thoughts... and some flashes from the past...
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Finally! It's over and done with. The only dreadful thing is waiting for the results. And I am not in any way excited to know how low I got. I ain't psyched with knowing cause I know already that it won't be that high. Probably monthly grades are the highest possible that I can get. and I am really frustrated. But what more can I do than just accept it and move on. For no, I'm just happy that it's over...

Just My Thoughts... and some flashes from the past...
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Today is our chemistry exam or was for this instance. I can't really give much of a comment for that. I can;t really say that it was easy but I can't say that it was difficult either. It's really just normal. I didn't have much of a hard time answering the exam except for some items which were truly vague, or the choices were really wrong. Haha. Screw that.. Rest a little.. Then Start studying.. again. I'm just psyched out with the results.. I'm really scared.

Just My Thoughts... and some flashes from the past...
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Damn. I overslept again. I'm hating myself for the series of mishaps that's occuring these past few days. I can't help but think of things once again. I just hate it when I make mistakes... Especially mistakes that lead to another one then another one and all of these things would greatly affect me. I just find it so unacceptable to make mistakes. It's not that I can't make mistakes or I can't bear commiting some mistakes. It's just not ok with me to make mistakes anymore. If I need to sleep, it's because I had a problem with my time management and I wasn't able to study and I need almost the whole night 'til dawn to cover up for my stupidity. I believe that after taking up a few psychology classes, it could be said that there is no such thing as "I work better.... shit. " It's just a state of mind. I don't know. I feel so insane... but at the same time, I know every damn thing is my fault. I have to do something about it. It's some sort of constant laziness that leads to I don't know what. I'm suddenly thinking that I might be booted out... haaay..

Just My Thoughts... and some flashes from the past...
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I feel like I'm a Carbonic Acid contained in a soda bottle just being shaken too much to exert the pressure and will explode at any moment. As of the moment, I'm really tired and drained... In nursing terms, "sabaw". Whether I'm a Cream of brain Soup, Brain Bulalo or Sinigang na Utak, I don't know. I deem that those varieties won't connote anything good for human beings or homo sapiens sapiens if you'd prefer. And it's not a good bargain. Let's just put it this way, I think I flunked all the exams. Well perhaps not in psycho... maybe in Filipino but theo.. I think I did. I don't know if it's my pessimistic nature or I attracted negativity from the start of the day. Psychology was practically impossible to finish, Filipino was weird, and Theology was just impossible. I'd like to see the purpose of everything that's being given but it just narrows down to ego-centrism. It's just stupid. And I think I made some wrong decisions. First of all, I shouldn't have joined NJ cause it took quite a lot of time. And perhaps I shan't work on a collaborated article if I don't know who's going to be my co-writer. No offense to her, she really gave me quite a number of excuses. But I had my shortcomings too so.. I guess I should shut up. But anyways... I just can't imagine if I failed. I computed my grades for the monthly period and damn. it's just a little above the cut-off. If I would WISH to be a dean's lister, I definitely have to do well in the Pre-lims. But I think that's not the case. And I don't think there's any use crying over spilled milk. Before I think of being a DL, perhaps I should focus on making it for the cut-off. It's crazy.. I swear... And different feelings are being brought about by each passing day in college. My paranoia is increasing. I mean I feel like there are some people out there to get me and want me to fail. And I feel like I'm getting dumber by the minute... I don't know.. being surrounded with people who are so much better in terms of academics... I can't say that it won't affect me. I don't want to be the best in everything. I just wish that I was balanced... And I feel like I'm a substance x in a pool of substance y... Or perhaps you can associate my stands as of the moment with a insoluble substance within other soluble substances. I don't know. There really are a few people that I can trust and know that won't bring about double-cross. This ain't just for students. I even think that teachers are also like that with me. I'm wondering if those people who hate me have reached or professors. I'd just laugh off my insanity. But if that was true, well.. they're low. I'd just have to rest now.. and stop thinking.. otherwise I'll be insane...... I just hope that I don't pop... like a soda bottle..

Just My Thoughts... and some flashes from the past...
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The series of typhoons never really brought any good to us. I'm not myself again as I had only a few hours to sleep. I have to wake up early just to send a group message to everyone with regards to our rehearsals... Damn! SabPag is really a burden. They can't expect us to just enjoy it when we are being pressured. Not to mention the fact that the class isn't working as a class even before the sabayang pagbigkas existed. There truly is a big reason for all of these however it should be kept. Everything just sucks though... I mean we, the directors, are doing all that we could. It's just that some aren't. They are satisfied in nurturing their own ego, feeling important even when they could be removed from the production, and playing DOTA. How fair can they get? I don't know. I'm pissed. I'm tired. I'm just happy to be working with the good people. I'm just pissed that some friendships might have been tainted or damaged. I don't know. It's really different in Saint Jude. I miss my friends... Good thing anjan naman sila Mike, Royce, Jeraika and Jeri...

Just My Thoughts... and some flashes from the past...
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